The Unapologetic Truth
Sitting tightly and squarely, I look around to make sure I’m not too big or too small but somewhere in between and just right. I can’t take up too much space to where others are uncomfortable and I can’t be too small or I won’t be acknowledged. Can’t have that or it’ll drive me crazy.
How many women go through this inner dialogue—sitting on the fence between their full expression and hiding completely? Personally I’ve gone to hide whenever I’ve felt rejected, judged, ridiculed or ostracized from the group or tribe only to re-emerge when the terrain felt or looked safe enough for me to tiptoe out into the open and test the waters of my full expression. This seems to be a life-long practice we’re never going to be perfect at but get better each day we choose to unapologetically unleash our “spark” (as my partner likes to call it) into the world.
To be honest, hiding has become unbearable as I get older—abiding by the rules and coloring inside the lines all to be an acceptable woman in the community, my work life and interpersonal relationships. I can’t think of one relationship where I’ve been able to entirely unleash this spark that’s burning through the layers of my hiding from the inside out.
I’ll tell you now, to embark on the journey of expressing your unapologetic truth is to sometimes take baby steps forward, a few steps back and, at times, a giant leap forward into the unknown. It becomes a process of pivoting and changing the internal dialogue with your inner council of selves (the facets that compromise the whole self). For instance, when I speak to my anxiety I find a protector self guarding the spark from the dangers of the world or potential mistakes that could occur—causing an undesirable outcome. A few times now I’ve talked to and acknowledged that self to find out what it was feeling and what it needed. I told it this, “I understand, I’ve got this and I love you.” Immediately, the anxious feelings that were pillaging my body with tension loosened some and took a few steps back from running my mind’s thoughts. To me, this was and is the beginning point of opening the door it’s guarding. It’s gaining it’s trust and offering love so that way the spark can and will one day express itself more fully and unapologetically. There’s also no one right answer or way to do this work. It will look different for every person but the elements of it are similar or the same: self love, patience, gentle action (one step at a time) and personal honesty (awareness).
To my sisters, my fellow women, I want to say that it’s okay for you to follow whatever path makes your heart burn with passion and crackle warmly as you sing happily next to your own flames. That’s your calling and to ignore it may make the road more bumpy until you tilt your ear toward your heart and listen to it’s yearnings. Mine called me to take the road less traveled even though I fought it for a decade in my twenties. I tried to force marriage twice which ended in one engagement turning into ashes and another in divorce. I tried to look the the part, wear the classy clothes and modern hair but when I put on my boho jewels, floral dress, boots and let my hair go wild—I felt like I was home. I bounced between these to fit in with the southern girls in Houston or the trendy LA types only to feel uncomfortable and forced into a tightly drawn corset where I could hardly breathe.
Today, I’m taking steps to let myself do what I love, wear what I love, say what’s on the precipice of my heart and to take time to rejuvenate when I feel overworked or burnt out. I know that not everyone is going to like the changes that are emerging because I’ve been a chameleon for a number of years with little bursts of sparks shooting out with an intense light that startle people sometimes. It’ll happen to any of us and we can’t fear the losses that may happen in the wake of our truths, our spark, because it’ll make room for what’s truly ours—the life that’s been waiting for us all along.
